Happy Belated Birthday

To my friend Radhika

I’m very sorry that I did not send you a card on your birthday. I started working on something artistic for you a week before your birthday, but a series of unfortunate circumstances delayed me from mailing your birthday card and my enclosed drawing to you.

I was traveling to the post office with your card, having every intention of mailing it to you, but my car broke down on the way. Fortunately, a passing motorist noticed my predicament and stopped to help. He courteously asked me if I needed a ride and I gladly accepted his offer. Unfortunately, he was on his way to spend the day at the beach, so I never got to the post office.

When we arrived at an empty parking lot by the shore, he got out of the car and walked around back to open the trunk. I watched him take out a pair of roller blades, lace them up, and roll away with neither wave nor goodbye. So, there I was, left alone on the pavement with only your card for company. Being March, it was cold and there was no one around to ask for help. There weren’t even any other cars in the parking lot. But, I did see a boat moored to the dock.

As I walked toward the boat, the captain saw me coming and he waved to me in a friendly manner. I approached him and asked if he could help me find a way to get back home. Fortunately, he was just about to cast off and he said he could bring me to the next port where I could catch a bus home. I thought to myself, “This isn’t going to be the fastest way home”, but I had no other choice. Unfortunately, once out to sea, we were caught in a fierce storm with enormous swells and the boat capsized.

I was able to hold your card above water as I paddled to stay afloat. The storm eventually blew over and I was able to find a piece of wood to cling to. The captain and his first mate were nowhere to be found 1. While I floated, waiting for rescue, I passed the time pondering unpleasant things like sharks, sea monsters, and poisonous jellyfish. I was hoping that a search plane would fly over and save me, along with your card. I never did see a search plane, but I did see a whale.

Actually, the whale saw me first. He 2 rose from the briny deep and swallowed me 3 whole. Fortunately, I was able to keep your card dry as I slid down his gullet into inky blackness. Unfortunately, he was just about to go back underwater, which would certainly drown me and probably spell the end to your birthday card as well. Kneeling in despair, I noticed what could only be a circle of sunlight at my feet. I looked up to see blue sky. Quickly, I squeezed up what could only be his blowhole. I was able to thrust my hand (with the card) and upper arm out of the blowhole seconds before the great mammal submerged. Having no way to gulp in air, my captor was unable to return to the depths, saving me for the moment.

Dale was mad that I had forced him to swim on the surface 4. He cruised along for quite a while, and my hand was starting to hurt from clutching your card so tightly. I managed to squeeze my arm up to the shoulder out of the blowhole, and then my head. As you can imagine, the smell was awful 5.

Eventually, I wriggled my whole top half out of the marine behemoth, leaving my legs dangling below. We were traveling very fast. It looked to me that Dale was at least 300 feet long 6 from tip to tail. Fortunately, we were heading in the direction of shore. I saw land ahead, and lights. I wiggled some more, hoping to slither out into the ocean and swim to shore. Unfortunately, Dale realized I could now be blown out of his blowhole. So, one explosive snort later, up and out I went. I soared, flapping my arms like a seagull and screaming like a little girl until I splashed into the water, feet first. I frantically swam for the surface.

I was able to reach to the surface just before my lungs ran out of air, and I was very relieved. I couldn’t blame Dale. He was probably very relieved himself. I had learned you should always be polite so, not knowing what to say under these circumstance, I said “Gesundheit”, even though he couldn’t hear me 7.

With a start, I realized that I no longer had your card. I desperately looked around me, hoping to find it floating nearby. Fortunately, I looked up and saw it, flipping and floating down from the sky. I was able to catch it before it hit the water. I had saved it. I was only a couple of hundred feet from shore so I knew I would be able to swim to safety, find a post office, and mail your card to you. Unfortunately, just then, a pelican flew by and snatched the card from my hand. I swam as fast I could to shore, following the thief.

When I dragged myself out of the surf, I looked around for the pelican, but it was to no avail. It was getting dark now and I was afraid I’d never find it or your card. I was wet, tired, and I had idea where I was. I walked toward lights coming from buildings nearby, hoping to find a police station where I could report being robbed by a pelican. The first building I came to was an all-night doughnut shop that luckily accepted my wet money, and very graciously I might add. While I sat in a booth eating my doughnut and drinking my hot chocolate, I told my story to the people that were sitting around me. There was Jack and his common-law wife Charlotte, Shelley, an elderly ex-exterminator with a frighteningly loud and disgustingly productive cough, a musician named Twist, and Sergei, an employee who was taking a break from mopping the floor. They agreed to help me by forming a search party to find the filthy card-thieving aquatic bird, so off we went.

Out of nowhere, a large mob of people formed equipped with torches, lanterns, and totally unnecessary pitchforks 8 screaming for vengeance 9. Fortunately, we didn’t have to look for very long because we found the pelican fast asleep on a pile of envelopes 10 in a wooded area very close to the doughnut shop. I was glad that we hadn’t been forced to use the pitchforks. Unfortunately, the filthy card-thieving aquatic bird had pooped all over the pile. I grabbed a lantern from the nearest pitchfork-wielding maniac and searched the pile carefully.

Your card was only slightly damaged. You couldn’t even tell that it had been inside a whale or under a pelican. I wiped the envelope on the pelican’s back and held it up triumphantly. The mob went wild. Many grabbed envelopes themselves and held them up, imitating me. That turned out to be not so smart. Some of the envelopes were really messy 11 and some caught fire because the people held them too close to their torches. I decided not to wait for the mob to disperse. I dropped my lantern and sneaked away into the dark with your card, hoping to leave this town by catching the next bus home as soon as possible.

I was exhausted at this point, which may have led to what happened next. Still in damp clothes, the first thing I did was look for any clothing store that was still open for business. Fortunately, I found one and I bought new clothes. Like I said, I was really tired, so I didn’t pay close attention to the sizes or the style. I was finally warm and dry again. Unfortunately, it was a women’s clothing store and I had mistakenly bought denim capris, an embroidered tank top, and some strappy sandals. I didn’t even notice until I sat down on the bus next to a woman with the same outfit. At that point I didn’t really care. It was cold on the bus and I really regretted not buying that Hannah Montana jean jacket. Regardless, I was so tired that I couldn’t stay awake anyway.

The bus took me home while I slept. Well, eventually I got home. I know I must have purchased a bus ticket, but my memory is very hazy on the exact details of how I did just that.

The man at the bus station must have had a lot of wax in his ears because I’m sure that I asked for a ticket to Springfield, Massachusetts 12. But he must have thought I said Springley, Arkansas because when I woke up many hours later, that’s where the bus had stopped. The bus driver tapped me on the shoulder and told me to get off the bus. He also suggested finding some men’s clothing.

I had no luggage, but I still had my credit card and I still had your birthday card. I took his advice and found a men’s clothing store. My fellow customers cast a few disapproving looks my way and I believe the clerk may have made a tsking sound before accepting my credit card. I felt like a new man when I left Manley For Men 13.

I found a pay phone and called my house. Fortunately, someone answered and I didn’t have to leave a long message. When I told my wife where I was and what had happened to me, she couldn’t believe it. She said, “I didn’t know you were gone. I thought you were at work.”

I said, “For two days? Didn’t you miss me?”

She only hesitated for a second and then said, “Of course we missed you.”

I told her I’d be home soon. She said, “Take your time. Love you. Bye”.

Unfortunately, although there were buses arriving every hour, the next bus scheduled to leave Springley was not for two days, after the annual Spring Bus Drivers of America convention.

I was stuck there for two days before I could get out. I had to stay at the Manley Hotel downtown 14 which only had one room free. The woman at the front desk told me it was haunted and that I’d have to share it with the ghost of Zachariah Manley who had died in a tragic shaving accident as he slept. But it wasn’t all bad. I was able to watch the Bus Demolition Derby, the Springley Creek Yellow School Bus Jump 15, and a remarkably close-fought doughnut eating contest won by a very skinny bus driver from Alabama. I also heard the story of the bitter feud between the Manleys and the Springleys and that there was a truce for the duration of the convention 16.

Eventually, I got on the road 17 and headed for home. Fortunately, the man sitting to my left across the aisle had excellent hygiene, a sparkling personality, and dozens of fascinating stories to pass the time. What a guy. Unfortunately, the man to my right was not as pleasant. First of all, he smelled like a blowhole. Secondly, he didn’t have one nice thing to say to me the whole trip. And the worst part was, I’m not kidding, I swear he got up to go the bathroom fifteen times. That’s thirty times he passed by me. I think I passed out three or four times from the smell.

When I finally did get home, I called my wife from the bus station to pick me up. She asked me, “Are you at work?”

I said, “No, honey. I’m at the bus station. I was gone for a week. Remember?”

“Oh yeah. Welcome home,” she said. She picked me up a few hours later and we drove home. It felt so good to be back. I asked her to stop at the post office so I could mail this to you. I hope you like it. Again, I’m very sorry about being late, but as I’m sure you’ll agree, I have a good excuse.

At least I hope so.

Your good friend,

Mark

1 They were later found by another fishing boat whose captain had enough sense not to go out to sea into the teeth of a storm.

2 Or she. I couldn’t tell. From now on, I’ll just refer to Dale as a he. Interesting story; I named him Dale after a pet squirrel that used to live in a tree outside my bedroom window. Actually, Dale (the squirrel) wasn’t really a pet. He was more of an acquaintance.

3 I think it was by accident. We never got a chance to discuss his motivation.

4 I have to assume that he was mad. I would have been.

5 On second thought, I wouldn’t try to imagine it if I were you.

6 This would make Dale the longest creature ever to swim the seas. But my vision isn’t the best and my state of mind at the time was iffy. Don’t take my word for it.

7 Whales don’t have ears.

8 I don’t even know where they got the pitchforks. Who sells pitchforks these days?

9 I guess this pelican had made a lot of enemies in this town.

10 Curiously, all of the envelopes were similar in size to the one which held your birthday card, although of different colors.

11 Again, you’d be better off not imagining it.

12 Where else?

13 I found the name odd, but who am I to judge?

14 There is a Manley Hotel on the outskirts too, but it’s more of a Bed and Breakfast Inn and I don’t like breakfast

15 This is not what you think. No one jumps over a Yellow School Bus. It’s named poorly. It’s actually a contest where Yellow School Bus drivers attempt to jump over Springley Creek. Apparently, no one has ever jumped Springley Creek successfully in a Yellow School Bus. The driver that came closest to accomplishing the feat was one Tommy Wobbleton from Cherry Hill, New Jersey. The front wheels of his bus landed on the opposite side but stuck in the mud, causing the rest of the bus to fold up like an accordion.

16 It all started long ago when the town was incorporated. As you can imagine, some of the townsfolk have a very strident opinion that the town should be named Manley, Arkansas

17 I was on a bus. The bus was on the road.