High School Band Trip

I chaperoned three band trips during my son Alex's career in high school. This is a compilation of texts from one of them sent to Miss Jodi, the Head Chaperone. Other than Miss Jodi and the Band Director, Mr. Hueglin, names were changed to protect the "innocent" school children.

4/15

Miss Jodi, we need to go back. I forgot my blankie. Miss Jodi, can we put in a movie? I brought The Wolf of Wall Street. Miss Jodi, Brendan keeps bothering me with his constant breathing. Make him stop. Miss Jodi, I think a dumpster threw up in the "bathroom". Do you have any Febreze? Miss Jodi, Megan says I need my passport. I forgot mine. Will I get deported? Miss Jodi, can I have a new chaperone? Mine looks like a serial killer and he's creeping me out. Miss Jodi, will there be sex and drugs at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame? Miss Jodi, Ryan is holding hands with Alexis in the back seat. I thought you should know. Miss Jodi, it's hot af back here. Turn up the gd ac, ffs. Miss Jodi, is it possible for us to stop at the next package store? I'm asking for a friend. Miss Jodi, did you know that native Americans lived in this area before Europeans came and brought war, disease, and powdered wigs? Miss Jodi, did you know that .57% of all babies born are conceived on busses? Miss Jodi, there's a pool of liquid on the floor back here. It's sticky. Miss Jodi, which wine goes best with whiskey? Miss Jodi, do you know how to work a fire extinguisher? Miss Jodi, if there's a zombie uprising and all of the chaperones are turned, would we still have to stay with them? It doesn't seem fair. Miss Jodi, Ryan and Alexis broke up and the whole trip is ruined. What's the point of even continuing? Miss Jodi, never mind. They're back together. Wait. You might want to get back here. They're going at it like demented weasels. Miss Jodi, Megan said I was as thick as a whale omelet. Is that a compliment? Miss Jodi, Tim has a nosebleed. Do you have a tissue he could borrow? Miss Jodi, Sergio says Santa Claus isn't real! That can't be right. Miss Jodi, this is Kayla. Our rooms are smoking rooms, right? Miss Jodi, we all think you and Mr. Hueglin make a cute couple. What's up with you two?

4/16

Miss Jodi, someone back here is giving a live demonstration of the consequences of lactose intolerance. We might be dealing with a hazardous waste situation. Two of my friends have passed out already. Be prepared. Miss Jodi, is it alright if we have a seance? Sean wants to open a portal to summon a demon. Let me know. Miss Jodi, Megan says my head is as empty as a eunuch's underpants. What's a eunuch? Miss Jodi, Cheryl says that Sandy said that Trina said that Priya says that Rosalie says that Caroline on the other bus said that Veronica on this bus said that Alison said that Brett told her that Casey said that...wait. CHERYL! What did Sandy say? Miss Jodi, Vanessa told me that Jeremy is thinking about asking me to the prom. Can we stop so I can get to my suitcase and change into a different bra? Miss Jodi, the rest of the guys and I were wondering if we were supposed to wear black yoga pants all the time too. Miss Jodi, did you know that Ohio is an Apache word that means "smelly flat dirt cloud" in American? Megan knows so much about history and stuff. Miss Jodi, Megan says Lake Erie was supposed to be Lake Eric but it was spelled wrong on the birth certificate. I think she might be lying. Miss Jodi, I'm worried about vampires. While we're in Pennsylvania should we all be carrying garlic and wooden stakes? Miss Jodi, should the boys be playing pai gow poker back here? Trevor is all out of money. Miss Jodi, Devon on the other bus says David bought fireworks in Niagara Falls and he's planning on lighting them off at the hotel tonight. What time does it get dark? Miss Jodi, I overheard two seniors talking about where babies come from. That can't be right. Gross. Miss Jodi, have you ever kissed a boy? Are you supposed to hold your breath? Miss Jodi, that creepy chaperone hasn't moved for like an hour. Should I poke him or throw some water on him? His eyes are open but he's not blinking at all. If he's dead I will just die. Miss Jodi, are we supposed to do whatever the boys on the drum line say? Is that a rule? Miss Jodi, Tina is crying uncontrollably again. Miss Jodi, we took a vote on the theme of next year's field show

1. Greenday American Idiot 2. David Bowie songs 3. Songs of lost civilizations

Miss Jodi, the bus driver is hilarious. Does he do stand-up? Miss Jodi, the boat ride at the Falls was great. It was longer than I thought it would be and it got me very wet. Miss Jodi, Megan sent that from my phone. It wasn't me. That's what she said. Miss Jodi, Taylor Swift said, "I'm intimidated by the fear of being average." I don't know what that means. Miss Jodi, my mother usually cuts my food for me. Are you busy? Miss Jodi, Brian and Shaun downloaded a voodoo ritual off the Internet and they have a doll that looks suspiciously like Mr. Hueglin. He should probably be careful tomorrow. Miss Jodi, we were having a pillow fight, but things got out of hand. Can you let us out for a second to go to the ice machine? We should probably pack Cheri's arm in ice in case they can reattach it at the hospital. Miss Jodi, Chris is talking in his sleep and saying some weird things about one of the clarinets. Is it okay if we record him and then put it on YouTube? Miss Jodi, what are you wearing right now? Miss Jodi, Megan says if you stay up all night, your boobs get bigger. Is that true? Miss Jodi, we can't sleep. Tina is still crying. Miss Jodi, TJ is being a d-bag. He just sprayed Ax body spray in Connor's eyes and took a dump in a drawer. Can we tie him up and leave him here? We can pick him on the way back. Miss Jodi, good night. Don't let the Hueglins bite. 4/17

Miss Jodi, I can't wait for the Christmas Tree Shops. Do you think they will have inexpensive foreign-made products that last for 6 months and smell like car air fresheners and glue? Miss Jodi, do we have a new chaperone now? An old guy named Randy is following us around. Miss Jodi, why aren't the Commodores in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. It's a travesty. We took a vote and everyone thinks their best song was Easy, no doubt. Miss Jodi, did you know that the Beatles were Satan worshipers? Miss Jodi, I accidentally took a picture and now I'm sitting in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame Dungeon. Alice Cooper says he's going to torture me unless you bail me out. Miss Jodi, Axl Rose is trying to force his autograph on us. Our chaperone is useless. Can you punch him in the face, please? Axl, not Mr. Wilson. Miss Jodi, where's the Justin Bieber exhibit? Miss Jodi, do groupies make a lot of money? Miss Jodi, we just met Bruce Dickinson. Yes, THE Bruce Dickinson. Miss Jodi, we thought you might like to know Tina finally stopped... Nope, never mind. Miss Jodi, this food is delicious. The Rock and Roll Hall of Fame snack bar gets 4 stars. Miss Jodi, I'm feeling under the weather. Is it alright if I stay alone at the hotel tonight and trash the room? Miss Jodi, Megan says we're almost to the Pacific Ocean. Can we see that first before we go back to America? Miss Jodi, I can't find my thong. What do I do? Miss Jodi, never mind. I found it. It was under my toothbrush.