On Disappointment

The only things certain in this life are death, taxes, and disappointment. Yesterday, I was in a store with no real intent to purchase anything for myself. I ambled around like a well-fed zombie until I came upon a poster of a man wearing a smart ensemble that spoke to me. So, I searched the supply of available shirts for my size and, not unexpectedly, I was disappointed to find nothing in the size of Just Right. There were plenty of Larger and Smaller, of course. Apparently, Large and Small people do not buy clothes anymore.(1) The key word in this dull paragraph is ‘disappointment’.(2)

The episode described above would be rated a 0.4 on the Icarus Scale.(4) We all deal with disappointments in the .01 to 3 range every day. There isn’t enough milk for our cereal. It’s raining. Our Powerball ticket was a loser. You get the idea. We move on and go about our business. Most often, these letdowns or misfortunes are out of our control, or simply minor inconveniences brought on by chance or an annoying and unreliable acquaintance who forgets to bring in doughnuts when it’s his turn. The feelings are fleeting and forgotten almost immediately.(5)

Disappointments in the 3 to 7 range are obviously more serious and can result in costly disruption to our lives, and even personal injury if sharp objects or blunt instruments are involved. Anything higher than 7 is a severe pain in the ass. We’re talking, losing out on a promotion to a pissant younger person because he went to an Ivy League School and your boss plays squash with his father. These are the disappointments that stay with you forever.(6) They qualify for their high score because we put so much of ourselves into our efforts that the failure to succeed in an endeavor is a blow to our self-esteem and a roadblock to our goals.

Disappointments rating between 7 and 9.7 are devastating. They make us question our past choices, our current worth, and our future prospects. There is no quota to reach either. We all will have unlimited opportunities to be disappointed, from the time our mother is too tired to change our diaper to the time our children choose our nursing home.(7)

Obviously, some of us, by virtue of our situation and standing, will have less disappointments on our ledger when we finally run over the clown.(8) The rest of us get slapped about the head and shoulders with 7’s, 8’s, and 9’s multiple times in our wretched lives.

A correlation can be made between the number and severity of disappointments and quality of character. We all have to deal with them. It’s how we respond that is important. I’ve done the math for you. It’s a very complicated formula, but the gist of it is summed up by this chart.(9)

As this chart clearly shows to anyone with even a passing knowledge of Dickensian mathematics, the adage ‘God won't give you more than you can handle’ is farshambic deprodity of the highest order.

Diaclavitus’ Eight Stages of Disappointment(10)

Shock

Anger

Denial

Depression

Blaming Others

Anger Again

Acceptance

Anger Again Again

Over and over again, as each and every one of us makes our way, we will be disappointed. Only the strong in character among us can rebound from disappointment unscathed. I, myself, am, and always will be, scathed, to the point where I use way too many commas in sentences which are extraneous, boring, and grossly overlong.

Still, I will not compare my own experience with another’s. I can not sit in judgment of another’s reaction to their own lived experience. I will, however, testify to the pride I feel when a loved one pours their soul into an undertaking that few (and most certainly not I) have the courage to attempt, outcome notwithstanding. They may not have reached the summit yet, but if they look back, they will see they climbed a fucking mountain. Their accomplishments are no less significant and their hopes and desires no less attainable. I salute them and admire them for their fortitude and strength of character. They will not be defeated.

Love,

Dad

1. Or they use the internet like sheep, feeding the monstrous maw of capitalism.

2. Yes, I know I used the past participle of ‘disappoint’.(3) Don’t be a dick.

3. No, I don’t know what a past participle is. I’m just guessing. Do I look like a Master Conjugator?

4. Named for Icarus, Daedalus’ boy who flew too close to the Sun with his wax wings. He famously exclaimed, as he plummeted to Earth, ‘This is disappointing!’. For this reason, the upper range of the scale is reserved for disappointing outcomes resulting in death, usually the disappointee’s.

5. Unless you are one of those people who enjoy relating the minutiae of each hour of your daily life to co-workers. These people are called, Energy Vampires. Avoid at all costs.

6. Forever, being your lifetime, however long or short it is. See (4)

7. Even though we’re perfectly capable of turning off the stove. We just forgot because we had to get to the bathroom for none of your goddamn business.

8. An expression I just made up because clowns are scary

9. Nothing in the following chart or subsequent paragraph is worth even a single percentage of a calorie/erg/newton of your attention. It’s a tiny step above gibberish. Keep reading.

10. Diaclavitus was a 4th century philosopher, life coach, and goatherd. He is the subject of an upcoming major motion picture starring Kevin James